How Can Authors Get a Thicker Skin?

Let's get to the root of the problem

I wasn’t even going to put up a post today, but then I began pondering thick skin. 


It all happened when I read a comment from someone on Kboards today complaining about a 3-star review.

In the past couple weeks I’ve gotten two 1-star reviews on my perma-free book, so I’m sorry, but I took a little umbrage to this comment.

Most of all, however, it made me realize the great need in this country for authors with thicker skins.

Let’s face it – authors complaining about reviews all the time is a scourge that’s eating away at the minds of our children and eroding the very foundation this country was built upon. If all we can look forward to are 3-star reviews, well, then I’m not sure life is worth living!

Thankfully there are many products right on Amazon that will help authors develop a thicker skin. Let’s go through some of them and see how they can work for you.

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Purina Pro Plan Select Dry Adult Dog Food

This dog food claims it’s made from a “pro plan sensitive skin & stomach formula.” 


I can’t help but think it’ll ease some of the discomfort many authors are feeling at sub-par or average reviews.

What’s so great about this dog food is that it’s gourmet – that means both high-selling and bottom of the barrel authors should be able to enjoy it. 

What’s more, it has “high levels of omega fatty acids to help keep skin moist and supple.” That means when you take a shellacking you’ll be able to bounce back faster. Start your meal plan today!

Coloplast Critic Aid Anorectal Skin Protectant Thick Moisture Barrier Paste

I felt extremely lucky to come across this product. Right there in the description it says it all: “protects and conditions sensitive, excoriated, inflamed skin.” I think that’s a real win-win for authors that’ve been burned in the ass.

Too many readers don’t know the pains authors go through, and a gift like this around the holidays to the author in your family might just be best for what ails them. The fact that the “thick, moisture barrier paste is easy to apply” only sweetens the pot. Buy your Christmas gifts early this year!

Shaved Goat Skin - Thick - Mali, West Africa

Some authors prefer not to go the pharmaceutical route, and that’s fine. 


It might take a little more time and cost a bit more, but there are options for you as well.

Take the Shaved Goat Skin straight from Africa. When you don’t have a tough enough hide all your own you should think of investing in one from a dead animal. Nothing shows you can take readers’ critiques like a hot savannah-look, so in vogue on the East Coast this year!

Miracle Skin Transformers Heal Everything Balm

Let’s face it – no matter how much you protect yourself you’re sometimes going to get burned. Putting yourself out there all day in the elements can wreak havoc, and your skin can’t always take it, no matter how much toughness you might have slathered on.

It’s for that reason that this Heal Everything Balm is so wondrous. As the product says, it “helps reduce redness and irritation” while also helping “skin recover.”

We’ve all been through the grinder, like when we get a 3-star review from an author that never read our book and even has the audacity to say so. I mean, other readers really pay attention to that!

It has to stop, but if Amazon won’t do anything then thankfully Miracle Skin Transformers will. When you need the “ultimate skin soothing” solution, look no further!

Extra Heavy Moleskin - 2" x 5 yards

Another fine product that doesn’t require a lot of sticky hands is this Moleskin. Perhaps your skin has been burned severely by a misguided reader who, instead of doing the decent thing of returning your book within 7 days, instead waited weeks or even months to leave a rather drab review.

While you may not be able to gain any recompense from Amazon, your think skin can recover faster than some other inferior authors’ might when you apply this fine and flexible skin.

Try it out while writing, see if it grows on you. After all, if it’s a good fit you may never have to suffer through another unwarranted criticism again. I mean, some people never publish to avoid criticism, while others simply plod on as if nothing had happened.

The fools! Don’t they know there are fine products out there, fine products right there on Amazon that will help them weather the storm that are bad and average reviews? Ha, I pity the unfortunate wretches and only hope they see the day when thick skins can be had by all!