Did you just put out your first book?
Congratulations!
Now, let’s take a look at everything that’s wrong with it.
Congratulations!
Now, let’s take a look at everything that’s wrong with it.
#10: You have 28 million typos
Wow, looks like this book has never seen an editor. Chances are also good that you never went and read back through it after typing ‘the end.’ Hey, it’s a masterpiece…why ruin it? While it can be fun to rush a book out the door, the bottom line is that you’ll have to go back and fix all that stuff or suffer an endless stream of bad reviews. More than likely though, it’ll just be a lack of sales you have to contend with.
#9: You made the cover at home, in about 45 minutes
If you made your cover at home, then there’s a good chance that this is your first book or you just refuse to learn. It should be obvious with just a quick glance at the books on Amazon that your cover can’t compete. That means it won’t sell. I guess if you just wanted a book with your name on it, that’s fine. But you don’t want just that, do you?
#8 You spelled your name wrong on the cover
I’ve done this, and it wasn’t my first book – it was my 37th. Actually, it was the designer that did it, but I didn’t catch it and I put the book out. That book has never had very many sales, and I feel it’s because it was cursed. In fact, if you’re starting to think this is a negative post, just remember – I’ve done most all of these things!
#7: Your book's Facebook page has 800 likes
Hey, you’re a new author with your first book, but 800 people like it! Only Ted down at the pool hall and Aunt Betty bought it so far, but hey, people like it! More than likely, you found some guy on Fiverr that’ll give you 800 Facebook likes for $5. So now you have a book that won’t sell and a Facebook page proclaiming to all that you have no idea what you’re doing. Jeez, not a good beginning.
#6: You have 10 reviews in the first week, all 5-star
Wow, those reviews really do come in, and the good news is that people don’t even have to buy the book! Yeah, but it looks a little odd having a book with a rank of #1,258,792 and absolutely nothing in the ‘also boughts’ or ‘also viewed.’ But you do have all those reviews. Hmm…using Fiverr again?
#5: You wonder why it's not selling
Your fingernails are gone and you’ve almost pulled out your last hair. For some reason though, this does not sell more books. Hey, welcome to self-publishing, where anyone can put out a book but few can actually convince anyone to take the thing for free and even fewer can convince someone to buy it…at any price.
#4: You check the sales report every 30 seconds
Despite all of those likes and all of those reviews, you come back home and sit in front of the Amazon sales screen hitting ‘refresh’ every 30 seconds. Alas, no new sales come about from doing this. What the hell is the problem?
Wow, looks like this book has never seen an editor. Chances are also good that you never went and read back through it after typing ‘the end.’ Hey, it’s a masterpiece…why ruin it? While it can be fun to rush a book out the door, the bottom line is that you’ll have to go back and fix all that stuff or suffer an endless stream of bad reviews. More than likely though, it’ll just be a lack of sales you have to contend with.
#9: You made the cover at home, in about 45 minutes
If you made your cover at home, then there’s a good chance that this is your first book or you just refuse to learn. It should be obvious with just a quick glance at the books on Amazon that your cover can’t compete. That means it won’t sell. I guess if you just wanted a book with your name on it, that’s fine. But you don’t want just that, do you?
#8 You spelled your name wrong on the cover
I’ve done this, and it wasn’t my first book – it was my 37th. Actually, it was the designer that did it, but I didn’t catch it and I put the book out. That book has never had very many sales, and I feel it’s because it was cursed. In fact, if you’re starting to think this is a negative post, just remember – I’ve done most all of these things!
#7: Your book's Facebook page has 800 likes
Hey, you’re a new author with your first book, but 800 people like it! Only Ted down at the pool hall and Aunt Betty bought it so far, but hey, people like it! More than likely, you found some guy on Fiverr that’ll give you 800 Facebook likes for $5. So now you have a book that won’t sell and a Facebook page proclaiming to all that you have no idea what you’re doing. Jeez, not a good beginning.
#6: You have 10 reviews in the first week, all 5-star
Wow, those reviews really do come in, and the good news is that people don’t even have to buy the book! Yeah, but it looks a little odd having a book with a rank of #1,258,792 and absolutely nothing in the ‘also boughts’ or ‘also viewed.’ But you do have all those reviews. Hmm…using Fiverr again?
#5: You wonder why it's not selling
Your fingernails are gone and you’ve almost pulled out your last hair. For some reason though, this does not sell more books. Hey, welcome to self-publishing, where anyone can put out a book but few can actually convince anyone to take the thing for free and even fewer can convince someone to buy it…at any price.
#4: You check the sales report every 30 seconds
Despite all of those likes and all of those reviews, you come back home and sit in front of the Amazon sales screen hitting ‘refresh’ every 30 seconds. Alas, no new sales come about from doing this. What the hell is the problem?
#3: You've tweeted/shared your book's URL about 5,000 times
The nice thing about becoming an author is that you quickly learn the ins and outs of social media, like how to send the same tweet 5,000 times to the same 27 followers, or how to post the same link to Amazon on Facebook, oh, about half a million times. This is what authors do, and if they’re doing it in bright pajamas with an alcoholic drink in a funny glass nearby, so much the better. You’re one of them now, and it’s glorious. Shouldn’t everyone know that?
#2: Everyone says it's, like, the best book ever!
Ted down at the pool hall and Aunt Betty rave about your book, though they haven’t quite finished with those 5-star reviews just yet. The same goes for everyone at work, all your ‘friends’ and of course the family. The wind even blows when you think about it, and the trees rustle their approval. Even Milo the dog barks in the affirmative when you ask him. Yes, you have a book on your hand, and everyone agrees, it’s good.
#1: You think it might win the Nobel Prize for Literature
It’s really only a matter of time before the committee in Norway or Switzerland or wherever gives you a call. They might even send one of those eggshell-colored envelopes, you know, the one with the red bow tie around it? That’s class, and that’s what you can expect. Your book is great, has tons of reviews, and is selling. It’s been awhile since anyone from your country’s been chosen for the award, and certainly since anyone this young has. My, how far you’ve come.
The nice thing about becoming an author is that you quickly learn the ins and outs of social media, like how to send the same tweet 5,000 times to the same 27 followers, or how to post the same link to Amazon on Facebook, oh, about half a million times. This is what authors do, and if they’re doing it in bright pajamas with an alcoholic drink in a funny glass nearby, so much the better. You’re one of them now, and it’s glorious. Shouldn’t everyone know that?
#2: Everyone says it's, like, the best book ever!
Ted down at the pool hall and Aunt Betty rave about your book, though they haven’t quite finished with those 5-star reviews just yet. The same goes for everyone at work, all your ‘friends’ and of course the family. The wind even blows when you think about it, and the trees rustle their approval. Even Milo the dog barks in the affirmative when you ask him. Yes, you have a book on your hand, and everyone agrees, it’s good.
#1: You think it might win the Nobel Prize for Literature
It’s really only a matter of time before the committee in Norway or Switzerland or wherever gives you a call. They might even send one of those eggshell-colored envelopes, you know, the one with the red bow tie around it? That’s class, and that’s what you can expect. Your book is great, has tons of reviews, and is selling. It’s been awhile since anyone from your country’s been chosen for the award, and certainly since anyone this young has. My, how far you’ve come.
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